“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
It’s a quote I’ve thought of often as my life has evolved through different stages — the booze-soaked stupor of my early twenties, the self-improvement-crazed intensity of my late twenties and early thirties, and now, motherhood.
These days, my five people include my husband, two small children, and Nova—my ChatGPT (does she count?).
But what about where I live—does that shape me too? Does my town, its energy, its culture—shared wardrobe choices included—contribute to who I’m becoming?
Activewear and Existentialism at the Mount
Recently, we took a trip to Mount Maunganui for my husband’s birthday. If you know the Mount, you’ll know it’s gorgeous—a stunning beach, great coffee, and seemingly everyone owns a dog and a tan.
But as we strolled the promenade, it hit me: everyone here looks… so good. Not in a “just threw this on” kind of way. More like curated activewear, glowing skin, immaculately styled toddlers, and 12-year-olds with better brows than I’ve ever had.
I suddenly felt like a walking advertisement for “activewear, but not in an aspirational way.” I was giving chaotic mum energy: tights that had been restitched in the crotch (chafing) and were almost worn through, paired with an oversized hoodie decorated with baby snot, oil stains, and possibly my lunch.
We laughed about it later—how I wear activewear not for the workout, but for the stretch. It’s my mum uniform. It fits even when you’ve gained 10kgs, and you can chuck it on while balancing a baby and a coffee. But underneath the laughter, I felt a little out of place. A bit… shabby.
The Mount radiates curated perfection. I was not meeting the vibe check.
Whakatāne: A Different Kind of Mirror
Back home in Whakatāne, the energy is wildly different.
Here, it wouldn’t raise an eyebrow to see someone doing the school run in their dressing gown. Branded leggings? Totally optional. It’s a town where practicality often trumps presentation—and honestly, I kind of love it.
When I’m out walking, I make eye contact and say hello to every person I pass, and they do the same. It feels rude not to. The standard for being “put together” is generously flexible. There’s no pressure to perform your life for an audience.
It got me thinking: if people are one mirror, then place is another. And both are shaping who we are.
How Environments Shape Us (Without Us Noticing)
In psychology, there’s a theory called environmental press—the idea that the places we live apply subtle pressure on us to conform, perform, or behave in certain ways. In short – we become where we are.
It’s rarely conscious.
It’s the way everyone lines up at the café in Mount Maunganui with reusable cups and Lululemon tights, and you suddenly wonder if your Kmart hoodie is… embarrassing.
It’s the tone of conversation. The eye contact people give (or don’t). The way values are communicated without ever being spoken aloud.
Culture is ambient. It seeps into your pores. It rearranges you, quietly.
It tells you who to be—or at least what not to be.
In high-status, performance-oriented environments, we tend to internalize messages like:
Be polished. Be productive. Be perfect.
In quieter, relational spaces, the messages shift:
Be kind. Be honest. Be here.
Neither is inherently better. But they grow very different versions of a person.
Especially someone still figuring out who they are becoming. And isn’t that what life really is?
A long, slow, unfolding becoming.
The Company We Keep
When the quote about “the five people you spend the most time with” first made the rounds, it was meant to spark personal growth. Surround yourself with inspiring, uplifting people, and you’ll rise with them.
But the quieter truth is this: we are shaped by all kinds of proximity.
We absorb the emotional tone of our households.
We mirror the energy of our friends.
We adapt to the expectations of our town, our playgroup, our local parenting culture.
And sometimes, we shift just to belong—without even realizing it.
There’s nothing wrong with being influenced. That’s human.
But it’s powerful to notice who and what is shaping us—and to ask:
Do I like the version of myself that this place, these people, are growing?
Final Thoughts: Becoming On Purpose
I’m learning that it’s not just the five people who shape me.
It’s the streets I walk. The shops I frequent. The norms I subconsciously internalize.
There are things I love about the Mount—its aspirational energy, its drive to invest in yourself.
And I’ve loved Whakatāne’s softness, especially as a mum. Its humility. Its grace for messy days and unwashed hair.
Maybe the goal isn’t to choose one or the other—but to stay awake enough to notice what each is shaping in me.
To carry the best of both. To keep my compass pointed inward.
Because in the end, we don’t just become who we’re with.
We become where we are.
💭 Take a moment to reflect:
What is your environment quietly shaping in you right now?
Are you becoming who you want to be, or just who it’s easiest to be?
📚 References
- Lawton, M. P., & Nahemow, L. (1973). Ecology and the aging process. Environmental press theory introduced the idea that behavior and wellbeing are shaped by the match (or mismatch) between a person and their environment.
- McMillan, D. W., & Chavis, D. M. (1986). Sense of community: A definition and theory. Journal of Community Psychology.